Two days ago, I posted a ‘look see pretty’ album on Face Book of the book I made for my friend Sadira, 8th Baroness of Thescorre to commemorate her term and stepping down. I made the album public so that I could share it in the parchment group. This individual, a total stranger to me, took that public setting as an invitation to critique my work without asking first. She offered the appropriate compliments “BUT…” and then proceeded to tell me what I had done wrong in the book cover.
I appreciate her enthusiasm, extensive knowledge, skill, craftsmanship and desire to help me learn more about this topic. “But…” she did not ask before offering this critique, which was outright rude. I reminded her, gently but firmly, that it is polite to ask for a person’s documentation before offering commentary; at which point she insulted my researching abilities without having read anything (it was neither requested nor required for her purposes), reminded me of how wrong I was and how right she was, accused me of wasting her time, and then continued to expound on the proper way to do things.
If she had stopped and said ‘yes, of course, I would love to
see your documentation’ I would have happily sent it to her, and she would have
seen that I do indeed understand the different elements and processes of book
covers in different time periods, and that I made some design decisions that
deviated from the initial plan based on factors ranging from ‘oh shit’ mistakes
to incorporating modern symbolism in a not-quite-historic way.
I lost my temper, but I considered my words carefully
because the people who matter were watching; and those aren’t Laurels (more on
that later), they are untitled gentles, new Lords and Ladies, and artisans who
cannot be afraid to show a new work for fear of being bitten by Attack Laurel
(excepting her excellent self The Attack Laurel). Yes, I totally Lost. My. Shit. I told her she was rude and pointed out that
she barged in uninvited, made uninformed assumptions about me and my work, and
that she needed to ask permission before offering critique. I also told her that if she says that sort of
thing to people at A&S shows that is a Problem. As you can imagine, she did not take it
well. I injured her pride after she
insulted my intelligence. (For those not
in the know on how A&S shows work; this lady essentially came to my picnic
uninvited, told me my potato salad was made wrong and there’s only one way to
make it and here’s HER recipe, declined to read my recipe, and then got mad
when I reminded her that it’s polite to taste something before declaring that
you don’t like it. And then stormed off with the statement that she’d only
serve her potato salad to her friends and family from now on, so there).
My friends who happen to be Laurels and other assorted
Peerages came to the defense, with full alphabet soup, and I cannot thank them
enough. My friends who are not Laurels
rallied and complimented and asked good questions politely to demonstrate good
and proper behavior.
I did indeed put my work ‘out there’ and this sort of thing
can indeed happen when you do that. It’s
a risk of releasing imperfection into the world; but perfection is no
protection against harsh and unwanted criticism either. The real tragedy is that if she had followed
the proper forms of asking for my documentation, and treated me as an equal, we
would both have a new friend right now.
We could have geeked out to our heart’s content and, like a marble
fountain bringing clean water to a city square, I would have poured out all of
the respect and admiration her skill and knowledge deserves.
Ask first, my friends.
Talk to the artisans whose work you are looking at like they are your
equal, because they are your equal. Do
not let arrogance overtake your enthusiasm.
Forget your regalia and theirs, and learn from them before trying to
teach them. If you are just waiting for
someone to stop talking before you can plow over them with what you have to say,
you are doing this for all the wrong reasons.
Taking pride in your work and your knowledge is awesome; self-aggrandizement
is not. I will remember this exchange
and guard my own words and actions so that I myself do not repeat her mistake. And I do understand how easy it can be to
override someone in enthusiasm for a subject you love.
I have thick skin. I’m
fine. I’m delighted with my first book
with all of its flaws. It was made with
love and a lot of swearing, for my friend who I both respect and admire for
many very good reasons. Neither love nor
craft are perfect; and that’s OK.
Have the Courage to try new things, and to continue even through
adversity.
Do not be afraid to demand Justice, but also be Just in your thoughts and words.
Have Mercy and try to understand where the other person is coming from, especially when you are angry.
Be Generous in your thoughts and actions, and do what you can for others as you have the ability to do.
Have Faith in your own ability and theirs.
Be Noble in all things, especially when it is hard.
Have Hope that you will learn from these experiences.
Do not be afraid to demand Justice, but also be Just in your thoughts and words.
Have Mercy and try to understand where the other person is coming from, especially when you are angry.
Be Generous in your thoughts and actions, and do what you can for others as you have the ability to do.
Have Faith in your own ability and theirs.
Be Noble in all things, especially when it is hard.
Have Hope that you will learn from these experiences.
Yours in Service, Love, and Friendship
THL Abigail Kelhoge
THL Abigail Kelhoge
